Despite being busy with daily preparation, grading, and teaching, I was having a fulfilling time as an instructor.
On the other hand, there was a gaping hole in my heart.
It was a feeling of Loneliness and Isolation.
For four years of my university life, I lived in the apartment near the university.
It was a day spent with like-minded friends.
I spent really wonderful days as students, going out to eat together, going to public baths, bowling, karaoke, games, playing all night long, laughing out loud over trivial topics, and talking about each other's dreams.
My working life began a little early, in mid-February of my senior year at university.
※Most Japanese university students graduate in March and begin working in April.
In February and March of a senior year of university, most students are in the midst of the last season of enjoying student life, but I was one of the first to start working in Gifu Prefecture in Japan.
The environment surrounding me changed drastically, and I left my good friends in Nishinomiya City and I was alone in Gifu.
Even though it was the path I had chosen for myself, I lost that last month and a half of my student life and my friends.
It was really hard for me.
I could not adapt to new environments and new relationships.
Ever since I lost my goal of becoming a professional baseball player, I had no goals in life.
I enjoyed the classes and the preparation for them, but the rest of the time I was really lonely.
Every day was so painful and so empty that before I went to bed, I wished that I would not wake up tomorrow morning.
And when I woke up in the morning, I said to myself like spat out, "Why am I still alive today? I want to die soon!"
I had lost all my friends and goals, and I had completely lost "the purpose in my life".
One night.
Wanting to escape from this reality, I held a kitchen knife to myself.
The moment I could no longer bear the loneliness and put strength into my own hands, the faces of my parents came to mind.
I couldn't stop crying, "If I die, my parents will be sad."
Since then, I have quit thinking about dying.
I swore, "Rather than die, I will live desperately, get everything I want, and make everything I think come true."
If you are reading this article and thinking about dying, please choose to live, just as I did.
If it's too hard now, get out of that place as quickly as you can.
There are also institutions that can be consulted.
If you can resolve to die, you can resolve to live desperately in this world.
If you live, there will always be something good.
Believe in yourself and live from now on to make yourself happy.
It is you who can make you happy.
At the end of my second year in the workforce, I made up my mind to leave Gifu and return to Osaka.
I decided to teach Japanese for high school students to pass university entrance exams, which I had always wanted to.
to be continued...
